1 year and a half later

Personal Archive #10 | journal entry

I'm at my university, sitting on some makeshift of a chair, my back against the wall. I have been staring at the screen, the cursor blinking waiting for me to find the words but I can't seem to find any. To put it bluntly, I have been in basically this weird situationship with this guy from high school (yea the guy in one of my earlier posts). Could you even call it a situationship? More like a humiliationship.

Why? I don't really know myself. I have always and still carry this fear that I will never ever meet someone in my life whose gonna like me for me. I came to the point of acceptance during senior year that I wouldn't find love right now, I just did not fit in that demographic. Obviously, I was proved wrong thanks to him and a few others after but, the main point was that it started with him.

We've had a bunch of on and off moments, and each time I'd enjoy it and live the high. Each time I think we're over we're not. Each time I feel ready to let go, he is back in my life and I am proved wrong. You could say I have no self respect or dignity. A lot of people have told me that.

"How can you be so smart and yet so stupid at the same time?"

"Do you have any sense of self worth?"

Well since it has been a year and a half, nope. I have no self respect. And just when I thought things were getting better, he ruins my birthday by flirting with my friend. He knew and did not even try to defend himself. I ignore him and he ignores me, though he would slightly try to sneak his way back in.

I swore that this summer was it, no more. I don't know why I lied to myself. He came back once more in my life and I finally get a drunken confession of sorts. To put it simply: a bunch of apologies jumbling out of his mouth, sweet words and affirmations, and a reason as to why he acts the way he does. The next day was a genuine brutal hell for me, because I thought he would text first but he didn't. And I was thinking to myself like: "I bet he regrets it all now".

Turns out he didn't. Despite how many times I asked, he kept telling me he meant everything he said. That was a huge turning point for me. It felt as if the past year was cleared up and now all that was left was this void empty shell. And he filled it up once again, I think that whole week was absolute bliss for me.

Until one day, really out of nowhere, he just ignored my message. From a few hours to days and then to weeks. I really should have seen it coming, it was pretty obvious from the get go. I think I hoped too much from his confession, was too blindsided by picturing a person that wasn't even real. I held onto the hope that maybe this time it would truly work out?? I don't even know what I wanted from this either. All I knew was that I wanted to hold onto the feeling of being desired, of being wanted, of being noticed, liked, admired.

I kept questioning and writing in my journal, pages upon pages, but I could never figure out what I wanted. The issue stems from me itself and I still cannot figure it out. Or I think I might have and I am just in denial.

Anyways, I assumed that this was just another one of his ghosting phases like he normally does (wow, i've normalized it, which is actually crazy). But, it was different because I know how he truly feels thanks to the liquid truth more commonly known as alcohol. I knew way too much and too little all at the same time.

I could get past his ghosting, but I could not deal with him ignoring his debts towards me. Which is so weird. I know I have excused a lot of his bad habits that basically disrespected me, but for him to ignore me knowing he owes me something was something I did not expect out of him. It was about the principle of it all. I could deal with him being an emotionally immature of an asshole, however when something definite is involved I believe he should have at least honored that regardless of how he feels towards me.

It is about being a good person and a good friend at the end of it all. I really thought he would not be like that but I was proven wrong. And I think that hurt the most, knowing that he was a shitty person to the core. I will say he does has his good parts though a lot of people wouldn't agree with me. He is not inherently a bad, evil person. But, he is sure making it difficult for me to understand him.

I think just finding out he wasn't going to honor his commitment or at least provide a reason or even communicate, was my breaking point. Weird that it took me a year and half later to finally "wake up". I've said my part and he can ignore it all he want, but I hope he thinks of me. I am pretty sure he does, he has more reminders of me than I ever do of him.

What is the next step??

Everyone says to block, but I am too scared to. Sure, there really is nothing left for me with him. He burned that all away. Some part of me wants to be connected so maybe, just maybe he'll reach out. It's like I'm begging for scraps. I know better than that now.

It kind of hurts, knowing that he knows a lot about me (or at least I think he does) and I know a lot about him. I always find myself wondering if I'd ever still think about him later on and will he ever think about me? WIll I ever see him again? What if I do and he's with someone else? Will I cry? Will he regret it?

I don't know the answer to any of those questions. In fact, half of the time I don't really know what I want either. Especially when it comes to relationships, I'm starting to wonder if I really like the person or the feeling they give me.

Do I like the idea of love?? I don't know.

I do know however, that I hate looking around me seeing my friends find intimacy so easily and yet I struggle so hard. It makes me question myself.

I have hobbies, I do school, I work. Yet, nothing ever seems to fill that gap that comes literally at 10pm. I wish I was enough for someone. I wish I wasn't someone who is easily glossed over. I feel like I am at a point in my life where I'm looking for small morsels of affection. Anything that could make me feel what I once felt. Which is really embarrassing when I read it out loud.

Sometimes I wonder if affection is even meant for me. Maybe I am desiring for something that wasn't meant for me? I don't know, maybe I am being dramatic. I just hate feeling like I'm never going to be enough, or noticeable for anyone. It's not that I don't try because I do, and yet I just don't seemed to be noticed.

Oh well... I think I'll wait for a few days. Maybe he'll reply?? Probably not, but I knew that didn't I?

There is no point in moping around. I would say I made progress. I learned a lot of things from this whole ordeal, the things I like, the things I don't like. I also expanded my hobbies thanks to him (The Last of Us) so maybe it wasn't all for nothing. I like to think there were good memories and bad memories. Like the day I first found out he liked me, I can still feel how giddy I was. I believe or at least want to believe, that there was a point in time where he liked me as much as I did. Despite how on and off this was, I want to believe that we've held something for each other.

I still do, even now, and maybe he does? But I don't appreciate not being respected and I think this is where we separate.

Quite a messy end, but I guess that was bound to happen.

If anyone does find this and read this, I hope this was somewhat relatable. I like to use this place as a point of reflection so I can come back and re-read and reflect. I guess it does sound like dumping random information, though I hope whoever happens to stumble upon this can relate and just know that you're not alone.

That's all for now. I feel a lot better now :)