he likes me back??

Personal Archive #2 | journal entry

This entry is gonna sound a lot more fangirly only because I never felt or experienced this feeling in my entire seventeen years of living. WOWZERS! Why am I typing out something super personal and really not that important? So I can look back and see how I felt ^w^

It's state testing so our classes are on block schedule. AKA first period then lunch and then the next two periods. Each period is like 2 hours long. Anyways I have first lunch and I remember telling my friends or technically the table that I brought UNO cards to pass by the time. Mind you our table is filled with a bunch of people that my friends know, I knew some of them by name or by face but I was never close enough to really talk to them. Neither did they talk with me. I was someone who was quiet and observed the table, stealing nachos from my friend and nodding along to conversation. So I never really expected anyone to take any notice of me.

I had already came to the conclusion that I never would find teenage romance like my friends. At first it hurt because I wanted someone to like me back the way I liked them but there came a point at the beginning of spring semester where I just accepted it. I realized I should just stop comparing myself to the people around me and just accept it for what it was.

It's partly why I never noticed the signs at first. I pulled out the deck of cards, holding it up, and asking if anyone knew how to shuffle. This one guy said yes and sat next to me on one of the table seats and I handed the cards to him. Let's call him Max out of anonymity LMAOO. Anyways, his fingers were covered in bandages and he did NOT know how to shuffle. He just shoved around the cards and I just laughed saying "please you don't know how to shuffle" and took the cards away from him. Once the deck was mixed I passed out the cards and during the game he tapped me showing his +4 card and I showed mine so we could gang up on my friend.

I was having a lot of fun and then the bell rang but our game wasn't done and it had become super intense we took it inside the buildings and laid it out on a table near our friends class. My next class was Yearbook and I was on a winning streak, but I had to get going so we wrapped it up and I headed over to class. I barely thought about that interaction and when I went home I took a fat nap. I woke up to a bunch of text messages from my friend who sent me this screenshot of one of our friends asking if I was single because someone wanted me.

My mind was literally racing because the thought of someone wanting me?? ME? Like lil old me? It was an idea that baffled me because I truly believed that no one could ever really like me. I wasn't anything special and I was already wearing the hijab so who could ever really look at me and say omg she's so pretty I want her?? Like maybe other hijabi girls but not me. Or that's what I thought.

The next day I started speculating on who it could because I don't speak to any guys or had an actual conversation with anyone from the group. Lunch came around and I was the first one at the table and so was Max. We waited for a couple minutes but no one else came (a few of our friends were in a different lunch but I didn't know where the rest were) so I said I was going to the library and that he could hangout with his friends. He said that it was fine and that we should hangout and I said that he didn't have to and I felt bad. He said no (btw this is such horrible writing please excuse this monstrosity I'm just so excited about it) its totally fine and that we should go walk around in one of the buildings.

That's what we did for the entire lunch, walk inside of G building, and we talked about a bunch of things. We talked about futures, he mentioned wanting to go to the Marines or becoming an electrician and I mentioned about wanting to go to medical school. He talked about video games and told me he had a Nintendo Switch. The bell rung and we went to the table where we knew our friends would meet up again. One of them asked where were we since they were looking for us and gave me a look that I didn't recognize at first. That knowing, smirk and here I was contemplating whether it was Max who liked me. Like it couldn't be true.

TO BE HONEST, I liked him when I first saw him at the beginning of senior year but I had gotten over it when I heard he liked a girl in class. Besides I barely saw him then. I think I started noticing him more around February.

School ends and me and my best friend + her brother are walking together to the curb where my mom was going to pick us up. As we're walking I was telling her who I thought it could be but I wasn't entirely sure and she being vague saying "you never really know". And then she finally confessed she knew it was Max the whole time and I screamed so loud. My heart was beating so fast and I could feel such a wave of excitement.

Like I genuinely cannot explain how much joy I was filled with and how excited I was. Like that boy could like a girl like me? I guess it sounds pick me but I never had that ever. Never had someone like me first like that. Like sure I had a crush on him first but it just delved down to like "oh he's cute" and that's it. Like I kept replaying every single conversation that I had for her to analyze with me.

And then today he brought his Nintendo Switch, asking me to sit next to him, and we played together. ^w^ ^w^ ^w^ A bunch of other stuff happened but I wanted to capture that joyful feeling I felt that day.

EDIT: I never posted this but this is after prom and lets just say that I kinda lowkey got played. Now that I read this its kind of sad to see how happy I was. Like little did I know all this bullshit would happen and yet I was so happy. I think it's part of the reason why I can't move on.

I placed so much importance on how these moments with him made me feel that now I can't exactly let him go because I'm scared I'll never feel this feeling again. It took me so long to get to this point how long will it take me to reach the next level?

The people around me have already been in relationships or experiencing a different level. Here I am now back to square one. I guess in a sense, I have knowledge and experience but really what does it amount to?

Not much if I'm being honest.

I kinda wish it never happened because I genuinely hate the way I feel. I think if I told my past self she'd still want it to happen if it meant she could feel that bliss of being liked once more.

Fair enough to be honest. Now I can't help but wonder was I the issue? Will I ever meet someone again or did I blow away my one chance? People tell me that there will be another but its not always true is it.

Oh well. Guess you win some and lose some.

Still, I'm glad that I wrote this. Because for a short while, I really was that happy.