the desire to be wanted

I think the first time I had a real crush was in 8th grade and it also was my first time making a fool out of myself.

He sat next to me in both 4th period science and 6th period english and would ask me for help to find a certain thing. He'd help me out and I'd help him out. I liked his smile the most and how he made me laugh. It made me look forward to the classes we shared especially science, since we all goofed off.

Looking back, I realized how much fun I truly had and how nothing else really seemed to matter then. Covid-19 hit and my 8th grade was cut short. At the same time, I was introduced to the realm of social media and found his instagram. Let's just say I was really obvious that I liked him. I knew he didn't and I stopped (I didn't harass him at all if that's what you're wondering about).

I then moved schools and I would still spend my time thinking about him. Eventually I forgot about him as soon as I saw people in my new high school. I literally had crushes on any and every cute guy I saw but I never did anything about it.

Fast forward, I'd watch my friends and hear from my cousins, that they were meeting people who liked them and eventually getting into relationships. I'd always wonder what they were doing that I wasn't. It had to be something of course.

Because why did it feel like everyone could find somebody but never me??

Junior year comes and I have a small encounter with a boy that I liked which got ruined by another guy (or that's what I want think happened??). I also started wearing hijab, which felt like a major shift. I was filled with a bit of envy because I wondered what was it that I was doing wrong? It wasn't like I could blame my hijab because there were so many hijabi girls that I knew who could easily find someone.

I always felt like I was a bit weird compared to everyone else. I'm not pretty, I dress differently compared to people at my school, I don't participate in a lot of things other kids my age do (like drinking for instance), I don't talk a lot, I have "weird" interests.

I hated how I can never relate to my friends or anyone when they would talk about issues with boys or romance. I can never even give solid advice because I never knew how it felt to be in that position. I, so badly, wanted to experience the teenage romance everyone talks about. I wanted to know what it was like to stare at a guy and have them stare back at you so filled with love. I think I might be over-romanticizing it but all I ever known is just love from books and movies.

This is real life.

I cried about it so much last semester because my senior year was coming to a close and here I was. Not a single experience to my name. It took so long for my best friend to convince me that it was the environment that I was in and that it wasn't me. That the right guy wasn't here and was there in college.

As I write this now, I am starting to come to terms with that. Though I will say it does hurt because thinking about it in retrospect, it's like: "Wow, my entire life, and not a single guy has ever looked at me and liked me". I won't sugarcoat it, it really fucking hurts. I might be insecure, but being surrounded by people who always seem to have people attracted to them, it genuinely feels like I'm the issue.

I am not envious of my friends. I am always so happy for them and I wish them the absolute best. I just wish I had that spark they had. The spark that pulls and attracts a boy.

I would not say I am boy-crazy, I have always put my education above anything else. I just would want to know how it feels to be wanted by others. I want someone to want me the way I'd do for them. It means that you were chosen and appreciated for who you are, and it boosts your own self worth and sense of belonging. It is in within the human nature to be wanted.

I think the problem lies within me. Everyone tells me to focus on myself. But I already do that's the issue and yet I feel so empty inside. I draw, I write, I create art, I crochet, I play video games, I hangout with my friends. So why do I constantly feel like I'm doing something wrong?

I wouldn't say I'm seeking attention but validation that someone out there exists who would like me for me. I don't really know where to go from here to tell the truth.

Maybe all I need is hope.

Hope that in another environment, I'll hopefully find someone who thinks I'm pretty. Who crushes on me. Don't really know how that long that will take but it truly can't be that long can it?

If it is, well it just isn't meant for me. And I think that is alright. :)