seventeen.

Personal Archive #1 | journal entry

Junior year was already brutal enough, but somehow my summer decided to outdo it. I thought that as soon as I turned seventeen, things might feel different. The day before I had went to Urban Outfitters, picking out a two-toned denim skirt and this top I'd been eyeing for weeks. My family took me to California Fish Grill and we cut cake at home. It was nothing extravagant, but I didn't mind. What did bother me though, was that the entire day went by without a single "happy birthday" from my friends. The whole day passed without a single message and I don't think I've ever felt so invisible.

My cousins and some of my old middle school friends I barely talk to reached out (which also was admirable in a sense), but the people that I was with almost every day in school, my friend group -- even the two friends I've known the longest... didn't. I kept trying to convince myself that it really wasn't a big deal, but it is. And of course, I blame myself. Maybe I was too quiet, maybe I should've spoken more but I just faded into the background easily. Still, a part of me wished someone would have remembered me without me having to ask.

Looking back on junior year as a whole, it does make sense. I put myself into AP classes while most of my friends took regular courses, so I was on the outskirts of their conversations. They shared gossip and classwork so I never had anything noteworthy to add. I didn't even click with anyone either in my classes. I was present, but glossed over. I will say I did try to get involved but it was never really enough.

I kinda just wish I was someone more memorable. Someone people miss and think of. Someone whose absence is noticed.

Regardless, I like being seventeen, I think it's the perfect balance of not feeling the pressure of eighteen but also not being so young like sixteen. I'm only seventeen, I don't think I'll feel like this all the time. I just think that this was not one of my better days. I will say that I'm a bit nervous for senior year. It's weird that my graduation year felt so far away when I was younger but now it was coming at me like a stallion at full speed. I'm not sure what to expect out of the new year considering how bad this one was, but a lot of things can happen so it just might be different?

Anywaysss that's it for now! See you on the flip side.

Edit: They remembered after a week or so.